


Tony, No.

by Makairia



Series: AvengerKink meme fills [7]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: (or it can but Pepper won't let you have it), Clint's mouth is very dirty, Crack, Gen, Jarvis is not GLaDOS, Money can't buy you everything, and Tony doesn't believe in the Three Rules
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-03
Updated: 2013-04-03
Packaged: 2017-12-07 08:52:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/746634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Makairia/pseuds/Makairia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for an AvengerKink prompt:</p><blockquote>
  <p>So in fan fiction Tony's always buying ridiculous things -- newspapers when they print articles slandering Pepper/Rhodey/the Avengers; Hostess because the Hulk likes twinkies; the Dodgers so he can bring them back to Brooklyn for Steve, etc.</p>
  <p>But I want to see how he reacts when he runs into something he legitimately can not buy. Would be happy with either him just running into something he wants that the current owner is completely unwilling to sell, or something that he actually can't afford. The crackier his response the better!</p>
</blockquote><p>
  <i>"Ah-ah-ah!" Tony's voice took on the tone of someone scolding a puppy (or an errant Dummy). "I swear to god, Jarvis, if you allow that thing to break my leg, I will jack you for the spare parts needed to upgrade Hammer's phone -- don't think that I won't."</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tony, No.

**Author's Note:**

> Well, this was supposed to be a tiny 100 word short. Oops. (It's two in the morning, and I haven't slept properly in weeks, so I apologize for all of the mistakes -- especially tense errors. Also, I borrowed a few lines from Portal 2 that are obviously not mine. Same with the characters. This may read a little Pepperony...y. But I wrote it with the intention of Tony and Pepper being really close, just not in a relationship.)

"Fucking -- Christ -- Goddammit, Richards," Tony's voice carried in short bursts as his usual suit disassembly array was thwarted by the severe amount of dents his poor Mark VII had sustained (and the motherfucker _just_ got fixed from the impromptu visit to space, as well. Jesus fuck. Couldn't a guy catch a break here and there?).

Which was the show Pepper walked in on: the rest of the Avengers bruised and battered (but relatively unharmed), watching Tony struggle with the last few pieces of armor, a multitool dangling precariously out of his mouth, and a long, narrow screwdriver moving deftly around the joints and seams of the armor.

Once the shin guard was pried partially off, a stray disassembly arm reached for Tony.

"Ah-ah-ah!" Tony's voice took on the tone of someone scolding a puppy (or an errant Dummy). "I swear to god, Jarvis, if you allow that thing to break my leg, I will jack you for the spare parts needed to upgrade Hammer's phone -- don't think that I won't."

"Of course, Sir," Jarvis demurred in a tone bordering sarcastic, but returned the arm back to it's stasis position.

"Uh, is it me, or does Jarvis sound just on the wrong side of HAL 9000?" Clint asked, rummaging around for munchies to consume during today's featured TONY STARK VS. SCIENCE!!

"Well, he still has to obey the Three Laws, right?" Steve piped up, turning his head away from where he was watching Thor's ritualistic releasing of armor, or some shit, Tony doesn't know.

Before Steve's question could be answered, a yelp from Clint sounded from inside the north pantry, Natasha's unimpressed voice following shortly after.

"Have you been citing those books as fact again, Clint?"

"It was a _joke_ , Tasha! I thought he knew! The book's called _I, Robot_ for Chrissake!  Jeez, you didn't have to hit so hard...!"

"Well, you do have to consider that he was dealing with technology way above its time back during the war (even by today's standards, if you narrow it down to the Tesseract-fueled weapons), and now we're living in a veritable fun house of crazy things," Bruce said from beside Tony, having been drafted in the ridiculous removal of Tony's suit. "So, it's not that much of a stretch to think it's real."

Now down to just his left leg in the armor, Tony scoffed.

"Uh, no, he's not. Like I'd -- OW, OW, OW, _gentle_ , Banner! I'm damaged goods, here -- limit him with bullshit like that, anyway. Oh, hi, Pep! When'd you get here!" A few more tugs freed Tony's foot enough to slip free, Tony hissing angrily as it did. "Ah, _shit_. My foot fell asleep -- pins and needles pins and needles!"

"Wait-wait-wait-wait -- _are you fucking telling me that we've been living in a house that could go all GLaDOS on our asses?_ " Jarvis chose that moment to speak up, his normal, smooth British cadence replaced with a choppier, more feminine voice.

"Well, I suppose we could just sit in this room and glare at each other until somebody drops dead, but I have a better idea. It's your old friend, deadly neurotoxin. If I were you, I'd take a deep breath. And hold it." Clint turned white as a sheet, eyes flicking every which direction, while Tony laughed his ass off, still hobbling around on one foot, blue screens floating in the air around him. The flavor blasted goldfish spilled into a heap on the floor, forgotten.

Pepper took a slow breath.

"Tony. I hate to ask, but what are you doing." Tony cackled.

"Oh, nothing much." Pepper shot him a resigned look, tinted with amusement, before clapping twice and pulling up half of Tony's screens in front of her. And groaned.

"Tony. Tony, no. You can't just _buy_ Latveria, Tony." Tony scowled at her for ruining his fun, but there was no heat in the gesture.

"Well, it sure would solve a helluva lot of our problems, now wouldn't it? Fuckin' Richard's won't just put Doom down, and I'm done cleaning up after the Fantastic Four's messes. Done. _Done_ , I tell you."

"That may be, but you can't just throw money at the country until they declare you all-mighty ruler. Did you even think of the legal ramifications? Or the fact that _you can't just buy an entire country, Tony._ "

"Alright, alright. But let's be serious here. This isn't even the worst thing you've caught me doing." Clint was watching the byplay with rapt interest, feud with GLaDOS!Jarvis almost a hazy memory.

"Tony--"

"Like that art collection you still hate me for?"

"That was a six hundred and fifty million dollar collection --"

"Peanuts, Pepper. You know that."

"-- that I spent countless hours building and --"

"You could just buy it all back; I still have all of the receipts, and it's not like I would even notice the missing money --"

"-- you just _gave it away!_ "

"I was _dying_ , Pepper."

"And you didn't even tell me."

"I was going to make you an omelette, okay? Take you to Italy." Pepper just gave him The Look. Oops, looks like playtime's over.

"Will that be all, Mister Stark?" Tony paused, his demeanor still casual, but his eyes sharp, as he studied Pepper.

"Yes, Miss Potts." As Pepper left, Tony angled his body back towards the team, and sighed. "You know what my days used to be like? Nobody sassed me. Or complained about the lack of modern art. Or threatened to tase me and watch Supernanny while I drooled on the carpet. I had a pretty good life."

" _Warning, neurotoxin levels reaching dangerously unlethal levels_ , huh?" Bruce spoke up, draped over the couch. Clint paled again, and Tony just laughed. Until his phone beeped at him.

>>Tony, I'm serious. You can't buy Latveria. -P 

Well, fuck. Tony had hoped ~~futilely~~ that she had forgotten.

**Author's Note:**

> Edited 4.3.13 - Jesus christ there are so many typos I don't even know what to do with this thing.
> 
> And again 4.15.13; maybe one day I'll just buck up and go through the whole thing with a fine-toothed comb.


End file.
